The attic at my house was a dismal place...not only was there a bunch of dusty old sex dolls in there, you should've seen how low the monetary value of everything was! I couldn't sell my Beanie Babies for a hooker! I was pretty horny, so I had to improvise...''ah, yes. ''Pac Attack! For my old Genesis!
I had been an avid player of the oddball puzzler since my youngest days in the 90's, and finding it again after all these years was a stroke of the cock pure luck. I grabbed it and ran down to my living room where my Genesis was hooked up and stuck it in the console. I was greeted by the vibrant and groovy title theme. All was going well...until the screen glitched out. Pac-Man chomping upon those blocks changed into Tweety Bird from Looney Toons!
"Aehh, I paw paw puddy Tat! Suck my wormy cock! You know Granny wants it!" he shrieked with a mischievous grin and a puff of methane forming from out of his bungholio. Suddenly Granny materialized from the gas cloud in Genie Garb! She began to dance in a titillating fashion until I pressed the A button to exit this perverted display, and I was flung to the main menu.
I was in mysterious mood, so I selected Puzzle Mode. My finger slipped (of course it fucking did) and I accidentally started the mode on Appendix...it raised the difficulty considerably. Less Pacs? Problem. I managed to Stage 34, when I noticed that I was using Pacs out of a reserve! My reserve was low, and I heard a digitized, Scottish voice come from the 16-bit system.
"YOU're PACKS ARE LOW!!!"
I was dumbfounded! Shrek? When did Namco get the rights to use him in this video game?! I was in shock and utter disbelief when I heard a knocking come from the door. Reluctantly, seeing as it was night out and my comfortable spot had to be left, got up and opened the door, unlocking it first. My neighbor Julian was there.
"How's it going, friendo?" "Agh, Julian, what are you doing at this hour you faggot?!" "C'mon, I brought Dairy Queen!"
He was right, he was carrying a taco basket with him. I let him in. "So, have you been doing anything?" "Playing Pac-Attack!" He had NO idea how screwed up this game was...
"So...*munch*...this game! Is it hard?" I nodded and pointed to my Pac Reserve. "It's empty. I can't eliminate the ghosts!" He spat out his taco and inserted the 2P controller and pressed start. Shrek yelled in utter agony as huge jellybeans spilled out from the TV and killed me and Julian in the head.
WHO WAS PHOENICIAN?